Women don’t like brown sauce

Brown sauce?
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Women don’t like brown sauce. A controversial statement but one backed by huge amounts of research data. Well, a bit of research. OK, not much at all but nobody has argued so far. I’m not sure why. It has, when all is said and done, got fruit in it. It has to be good for you.

As stated, my data is limited but no more so than some of the tosh that passes for academic research these days. There was a “news” report last week that having a nap in the afternoon can lead to an increased risk of strokes. (Stop sniggering at the back – not that kind of stroke.) Could it be that not being very fit, high blood pressure and a pile of chips at one o’clock makes you feel a bit sleepy and up for a kip? No. The next generation of scientists insist that having 40 winks will increase your chances of having a stroke.

It is the same kind of woolly thinking that leads to the weekly story that *wine / butter / chocolate is a killer / the secret to eternal youth / one of your five a day.  (*Delete as necessary.) There has always been this kind of rubbish out there, the difference today is that the 24 hour news and blogging society needs more and more of this stuff to keep the wheels turning. Blogs should concentrate on the important stuff.

The sauce thing came about this week when Mrs B, aware that there would be a system for deciding (there always is) whether to go for tomato or brown sauce, tried and failed to work it out for herself. My theory is that most men will have a similar system and women just go for tomato. The system is as follows.

Burgers or communal pub chips – always tomato.

A proper roast dinner – no sauce at all. This comes from my mum banning it close on 50 years ago and I see no reason to change now. Mint sauce is allowed with lamb, obviously.

Chops, fish in breadcrumbs, chicken Kievs and the like, served with green vegetables – brown sauce. In this instance, carrots are green vegetables (otherwise it gets too complicated). Now the exciting bit.

Full English breakfast or omelettes – could be either depending on the mood. How mad is that? It was a bit much for Mrs B but I suspect by this stage she was glad we decided not to have kids. I have a secret fear of being interviewed by Danny Baker and having to play the sausage sandwich game – I would be useless at it. This last reference will only mean anything to men of a certain age who listen to Radio 5.

Brown sauce?

In terms of quality, it has to be Heinz ketchup and HP brown sauce. Imitations are not acceptable though I still mourn the passing of Hammonds Chop Sauce – a prince among brown sauces. Strangely, we bought an apartment some years ago on the site of the Hammonds sauce factory. Before its demise, I fondly remember walking home from the pub with the sweet aroma of another batch being brewed, wafting across the night sky. The trouble was I was always starving by the time I got home.

What about other sauces? Salad cream is a guilty pleasure but Mrs B won’t have it in the house. She also frowns on having Pizza Express salad dressing, mayonnaise, Branston pickle and brown sauce on the same plate but I AM EATING SALAD! Horseradish is just wrong. I have recently affected Worcester sauce with soup (very posh).

The one sauce related rule we both agree on – tomato and brown sauce on the same plate shows lack of decision making capability and needs to be stamped out. Get yourself a system and stick to it. Any dissenters out there?

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